The case of fear (personal & long)

[EAMULE@aol.com]

Hello,

This is a personal problem I have had for a while.  Before 1983 I would ride
most anything with a mane and tail.  There was one incident when I was riding
a friend's horse which my friend was afraid of.  I rode this horse in a forty
acre field for a good hour.  I had walk, trotted and cantered the mare.
Toward the end of the ride I asked the mare to canter from a walk and five
bucks later I was plowing the earth with my face.  I didn't think much about
it as far as scaring me.  I caught the mare and with help got back on her.  (I
was sore!)  I rode her for another 30 minutes and that was that.

Forwarding a year I was on my young (2 1/2) QH colt.  He started crowhopping,
nothing terrible, but just like in the movies my mind flashed back and all I
saw was the grey mare under me, not my chestnut colt.  I lost control.  I was
short of hysterical.  This was a total surprise to me.

Then in 1983 I was in Mountain Veiw, Ark on an organized trail ride on a
borrowed green broke QH gelding.  I was feeling good about this horse and was
even considering buying him.  I asked for him to canter for a second time and
because I shifted my weight he totally freaked out.  He bucked and I went off
backwards over his rump and landed in a sitting position.  (In Stone County,
Ark. there is NOT a soft place to land anywhere, trust me!)  When I hit the
ground both legs went numb, the pain in my back was unbelievable.)

It took 5 1/2 hours for my rescuers to get me off the mountain.  I was taken
to the Mtn. View Gen'l Hospital in the back of a pick-up truck.  That was on a
Sunday, I went home to Memphis in an ambulance on Tuesday.  

As the emergency room doctor said I came very close to paralysis and I was
very lucky.  As it was, I had 2 compressed and one cracked vertebrae.  I spent
3 months in a back brace and now have no problems with my back at all.
(Except when I gain weight!)

Since then I have had problems with fear. I took riding lessons with the
instructor being aware of my fear.  At first my fear was the greatest at a
canter.  All my wrecks have been at a canter.  Now it doesn't matter what
gait.

My fear comes with horses I don't know.  I started LD's in 1992 on a 5 y.o.
mare that I had pulled out of her mother.  When I started riding her my fear
would almost be palpable.  I had her professionally trained and she was not
the problem.  She was great.  MY fear was our problem.

I finally forced myself to ride and had mental battles trying to bury the
fear.  Finally the mare and I developed a good partnership and we entered our
first LD in early '92.

We did three LD's that year.  It was an exhausting mental ordeal, but I had
the best times of my riding life.  Our first ride was a 30 and we came in 8th.
The second ride we made 9th place and the third we did 13th.  

Somewhere between that year and the next the fear surfaced again.
Conditioning rides in the cotton fields were traumatizing.  I would return to
the barn mentally exhausted.  

I entered one ride in Sept. '93 (Natchz Trace) and pulled when the mare
starting to cramp.  Due to rider error we were riding faster than our
training.  I haven't done a ride since.  

I sold the mare as a 10 yr. old last July. She was too good a horse to waste
just standing in a pasture.  I was in the process of buying her back this June
with hopes of us becoming a team again when I got a great deal on an Arabian
mare 3 in 1 pkg.  I felt like I was about to overwhelm myself  and decided not
to buy the mare back.

Now, we are up to this past weekend.  The Arabian mare I bought was in very
poor shape.  She is really looking good now.  I had lunged her twice before
this weekend and she showed me that she nows how to lunge, but likes testing
me.  She even bucked a few times.  This weekend she was doing very good.  I
had her saddled while lunging. She took the bit and bridle just fine.  I
finally decided to get on her and see what would happen.  (This mare is 16 and
not ridden in over 2 years and I know nothing about her past.)  

I tried to ignore my fear, but it was there.  I put my weight in the stirrup
and hung there for a few seconds and swung my leg over.  The mare was ok.  I
couldn't get my right foot in the stirrup and kept bumping her side and she
started a little jig and my heart went to my throat.  I decided to forget the
right stirrup.  I just wanted her to stand still.  When she did I petted her
and got off.  I was shaking so badly and my knees were so week I sunk to the
ground.  I had been on her maybe 2 minutes.

It's been a year since I was actually in a saddle when I rode the mare I sold
when her new owner was having a problem.  I have ridden my old mare (23 yo)
bareback this summer through the cotton fields.  (My saddle doesn't fit her.)
I have no fear with her.  She and I have been together for 20 years this
month.

I want to ride this new mare.  She will probably be fun in LD's, but trying to
cope with my fear that seems to grow as I get older is about to the point of
not worth it. (I am 43.  Got my first horse when I was 23.)  

I managed my fear once, but never overcame it.  It is so mentally exhausting
fighting this monster.  I resent being forced to give up riding because of
this.  If I give up riding it should be because of a decision, not for being
too scared.

I want to ride SO bad.  I have beautiful, positive mental pictures of me going
down the trail again.  

This has been long, I know, but I am looking for help from anyone who has been
there and done that and can empathize with me.

Does anyone have any suggestions or words of wisdom?

Ellen