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At this time of year, after the holidays, ads for weight-loss programs
saturate print media and the airwaves. Even TV talk shows devote time to the
battle of the bulge. I caught part of a Dr. Phil episode in which the
prominent self-help guru was evaluating the situation of one overweight
guest. The woman commented that she'd like to buy a horse so she could get
exercise via riding. "That's great for the horse," responded Dr. Phil
drolly, "but what good is it for you?"

Obviously, Dr. Phil has missed out on the cardiovascular workout we women
get attempting to get into a sports bra and riding pants.... Clearly, the
good doctor doesn't own a horse. At least, not the right horse. A quiet,
well-broke, agreeable mount may indeed not offer much in the way of fitness
training. But, the right horse (and most of us have owned 1 or 2, haven't
we?) will provide a body-building, cardiovascular- enhancing workout that
would make Richard Simmons envious.

Allow me to explain....

With the right horse, you begin your fitness program by walking out to the
pasture. As you stride briskly, you carry the halter and lead rope behind
you, pushed up high on your back so the lead doesn't drag. The purpose of
this is to tone your chest and upper-arm muscles (because you're not fooling
your horse, for he knows what you carry).

As you approach to within a few feet of him, he'll walk slowly away from
you, but at a pace just so you can't reach him, then stop. This will be
repeated several times in succession, until you're ready to jog. At that
point, because you own just the right horse, he will trot, then gallop
around the pasture. If you're at the advanced level of fitness, you may
continue chasing after him for maximum aerobic benefits, or just stop and
start throwing rocks at him to give your rotator cuffs a workout. (Make sure
you switch throwing arms. Not only is this a benefit to you, your horse will
think it hilarious). Beginners may prefer to toss the halter and lead on the
ground, bend forward from the waist, and engage in heavy breathing and
chanting (that's what we'll call it, anyway -- chanting) as the horse
continues to circle the field. For those of you that have experience with
this exercise, you may choose to throw the halter and lead, walk briskly,
bend, pick up, repeat. When the horse determines you've had enough of this
warm-up session, he'll allow you to catch him.

Now comes the total upper-body workout of grooming. The right horse, of
course, will be caked in dried mud. The cement-like consistency of it will
require work-to-exhaustion effort of your biceps and triceps. NOTE: This
exercise has added value, the dried mud will stick to your face with
perspiration, instant facial!

Next comes the bending, stretching, and toning of hoof-picking. Bend over,
pick up the horse's left front foot, then be prepared to jump back as he
stomps it back down to the ground, narrowly missing your foot. (Keep your
knees bent as you jump, to protect your lower back.) Reach down and pick up
the foot again, hopping about with the horse to maintain your grip as you
attempt to pick what seems to be dirt mixed with Super Glue from the hoof.
Eventually the horse may stand still; you may be chanting by this time.
Repeat the entire circuit 3 more times with the remaining feet.

Once you can stand erect again, it's time for the insect repellent exercise.
True, with this one, your horse may actually get more of a workout than you
do, but you certainly get more of the repellent. It goes like this:
Squirt!-circle- circle. Squirt!-circle- circle. Squirt!-circle- circle---
and so on, until you're completely misted with repellent and chanting 'whoa
you sonofagun whoa'. To receive maximum benefit from this exercise, make
sure you are at the beginning of a deep inhalation during the 'squirt' cycle
And exhale after the last chanting 'whoa'.

With the right horse, saddling up provides both aerobic and strength
building benefits. The trick is to keep your feet moving as you heft the
saddle blanket over and over (and over), trying to keep it in place on a
moving target. The blanket exercise warms you up for the saddle exercise,
for which the routine is the same, only the weight is much greater --
perfect for buffing those hard-to-tone shoulder muscles.

Now comes the mounting exercise. With the right horse, it's left leg up,
hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. Left leg up, hop-hop-hop, left
leg down, heavy breathing. For balance, go around to the other side and
continue the exercise (right leg up, hop-hop-hop, heavy breathing, right leg
down, heavy breathing, etc.). When your heart rate begins to exceed your
target range, look for a bucket. Bend over, pick it up, place it upside-down
next to the horse, wait for the horse to move away, then bend over, pick it
up again, place it next to the horse, and so on. NOTE: This is a cooling
down routine, not to be confused with the warm up pasture-routine. When the
horse deems you've had enough of these repetitions, he'll stand still and
allow you to actually mount. At this point, of course, you'll be too
exhausted to ride and your facial mask will be dropping off in chunks.

It's best not to overdo it, so dismount, grab a glass of wine, and head in
to recover in a nice bubble bath.




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