Endurance.Net Ridecamp Archives

Bruce,
You are one of the funniest people I have yet to meet!!  I usually delete most of the 
group that has to reply to each thing but always read yours.  Thanks for making my morning 
laugh!!!  Carolyn from OH
Subject: [RC] Endurance Horse on Letterman


>   An endurance horse was a recent guest on the Dave Letterman show. Following is a 
> transcript from the show:
>      David Letterman:" Let's give him a big hand, he trotted in all the way from 
> Auburn!" (Crowd roars)  "Welcome to the show, you ol' hayburner!'
>      Horse: "Thanks, Dave. Good to be here. Thought I was gonna be late. Really had to 
> hoof it over here."
>      Dave: " So what's shakin' in the world of endurance riding these days?"
>      Horse:  "Lots, Dave. Convention's comin' up in about two weeks. Some great 
> speakers, fabulous trade show. Good place to blow some bucks and learn square dancing. 
> Lots of new riders coming into the sport. New vet standards, more international 
> competition.They even got a committee of people lookin' out for my welfare."
>      Dave: "Really? SPCA?"
>      Horse:  "Nope. AERC. And they're settin' the world standard in health and safety 
> for the equine athlete."
>      Dave: "How's that going?"
>      Horse: "Pretty good. Pretty good. It's like joining a union. Ya see, they got these 
> horse doctors, who check me out in all kinds of ways, and touch me in places I can't 
> mention on TV. They do this before, during and after a ride, and if I'm not lookin' too 
> shiny, they give me the rest of the afternoon off. I get to go back to the trailer and 
> eat and drink as much as I like. Even take a nap if I want to. Someone then usually 
> watches over me, wringin' their hands--all nervous like. Nothin' seems to make 'em happy 
> until I pee and poop!" Then they smile, breathe a sigh of relief, and proudly inspect 
> the quality of my work. Sometimes they're so proud they even bring a friend over to show 
> them. So, I just keep eatin', and poopin'. If I don't, that there horse doctor is gonna 
> reach into one end of me or the other and make it happen. It ain't pleasant, Dave."
>      Dave: "I had no idea it was like that. How do you cope with that?"
>      Horse: "Well, if you're lucky, you get placed with a rider who cares more about me 
> eatin' and drinkin' and poopin' and peein', than holdin' his pants up or coverin' his 
> walls. They got treeless saddles that feel good on my back, sheepskin covered girths so 
> I don't chafe, and even these cute little overshoes they put on me. I guess it's a way 
> of accessorizin'. They paint numbers on my ass, but I don't know why. I can't even count 
> to ten. I get lots of carrots, and baby talk (like I understand it). I get to wear a 
> nice warm blanket at night, and all my meals are catered. If I get injured or have some 
> other painful condition, after the ride they give me drugs that make me glad I got hurt! 
> Sometimes my rider cracks enough beers where he ain't feelin no pain either.
>      Dave: "So how far do they actually ride you?
>      Horse: "Good question. They got rides anywhere from 25 to 100 miles in a day."
>       Dave: "In a single day?!!! Do they use more than one horse? Do the riders stop and 
> sleep? Do you get to rest?!!!!!!!!
>       Horse:  "Take it easy, Dave. One horse. One rider. 24 hour time limit even for a 
> 100 miler. But them there horse doctors keep a real close eye, and most riders care 
> enough about us ponies that sometimes they'll pull us out even when the vet says we can 
> go on. Cuz they KNOW us. And they're supposed to. We spend long hours, days, weeks, 
> months, even years together. We rely on and protect each other. I'm usually the only one 
> that's naked, but I'm used to it.
>       Dave: "Ya know, I'm kind of a lazy guy. I'd be lookin' for a way to get out of 
> that much work. Any tricks to that?
>      Horse:  "You betcha. I can do a pretty convincing limp. If the vet's not sure, I 
> drop my head every other step. I can breathe really fast, and get a dull look in my 
> eyes. I can refuse food and water, and act like I want to bite at my sides. These will 
> usually get me the day off, and a lot of treats and lovin'. That anal tone thing is hard 
> to fake though. I ain't that relaxed."
>       Dave: "Well, It's been great having you here, tonight. Would you come back and 
> tell us how you do at Tevis?"
>       Horse "Glad to Dave. Unless I can think of a way to get out of it."
>  (Band plays. Horse exits. Fade to commercial)                         Dr. Quackenbush, 
> cheesy Hollywood producer
>
>
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