Stick my hand up where!? One of the joys of owning a gelding is
periodic sheath cleaning. This is a mysterious topic to some, so Pat Harris wrote these instructions which
she posted on Equine-L.
Step 1) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly
neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings. Though of
course they're probably going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the
middle of things. Prepare a good explanation <vbg>
2) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor
(plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves).
3) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh,
that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is
apt to take offense if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal
regions ;-)
4) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand <g>. What I find safest is to
stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the
horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising
his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all
he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or
by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to crossties. He may shift around
a good bit if he's not happy with Mr Hand's antics, but don't be put off by
that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll
get over it.
Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab
for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about what's on the program. Rest
your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The
Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your
destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're using.
5) If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little
clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently
and gently expedite their removal.
5) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The
Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely absent. That's because it has
retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in
after it ;-)
6) As you and Mr Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you will
encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond.
Being attentive to your horse's reaction, invite yourself in <vbg>. You
are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there
towards the back, trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave to it
<vbg>. No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it.
If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried
smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around
it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more
Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.
7) When Mr Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other
pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one
task: checking for, and removing, the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped
accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses
accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no visible
external smegma.
So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will permit you
to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral
opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or "pea"
buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4" in from the opening. If you do
encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger.
This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND the horse, but the
horse will be happier and healthier once it's accomplished. In the rare event
that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I
did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index finger
around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my
surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not
seem to have suffered any permanant damage as a result ;-> I have never in my
life seen another bean that enormous, though.
8) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very
thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've taken <vbg>. A hose will be
MUCH easier to use here than just a sponge and bucket, IME. Make sure to direct
the water into the Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the
sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and
guide it up there personally.
9) Ta-da, you are done! Say, "Good horsie" and feed him lots of carrots.
Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there
is ONE more step...
10) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely
fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms elbows and wherever else
it's gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn't use gloves you may find
you've got an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT
clean your horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first date
;-)
and of course, there is that one FINAL step...
11) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid from next
door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just realized has been
standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process.
<vbg>)
