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[RC] the endurance rider and others defined - Bette Lamore

Just got his in my e-mail and thought I'd share on this cold foggy dismal morning.

The backyard rider is usually found wearing shorts and sports bra in
summer, and flannel nightgown, muck boots and down jacket in winter.
Drives a Ford Tempo filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most have
deformed toes on one or the other foot from being stepped on in thin
Keds sneakers. Pulls a two-horse bumper-pull trailer stored behind
the barn, used for hay storage. Her horse, Snookums, sports a hand-cut
(with scissors) bridle path; duct tape holds a shoe on until the
farrier gets by next month. Overheard frequently: "It's too
hot/cold/wet/dry to ride."

The endurance rider wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The shinier the better,
so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps
her down a ravine. Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and T-shirts she
got for paying $75 to complete another torturous ride. Her horse, Al
Kamar Shazaam, used to be called "you bastard" until he found an owner
as hyper as he. Can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360 and not lose
his big trot rhythm or give an inch to the horse behind him. Has
learned to eat, drink, pee and drop to his resting pulse rate on
command; he has compiled 3,450 AERC miles-- with his rider compiling
3,445-- the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the
trail without his rider after performing his trademark 360. Over-heard
frequently: "Anyone have Advil?" "Anyone got some food? I think last
year's Twinkies finally went bad." "For this pain I
spend money?" "Shazaam, you bastard-- it's just a leaf [thud]!"

The natural horsemanship devotee looks like a throwback from a Texas
ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey.
Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids
on roller-blades away from his F-350 dually in the WalMart parking lot.
Cowboy hat strategically placed, and just dirty enough to look cool.
Levi's are well worn. "Lightning" is, of course, this natural horsemanship guy's horse.
Rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the natural
horsemanship way, he specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking
children off his back on low-hanging branches, and baring his teeth to look mean.
The hospitalization tally for his previous handlers was 12, until he was sent to
Round Pen Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally well-broke horse,
bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots (with R.P. Randy's trademark
logo embossed on them). R.P.R. says, of all this, "Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!"
"It's simple horsemanship." "With this special twirly flickitatin' rope ($17.95 plus tax),
you'll be round-pennin' like me in no time!"

The western pleasure rider is starched, bejeweled and has more silver than the
Queen of England. The ladies wear more rhinestones than Liberace and you can

literally go blind watching the Amateur western pleasure class. Their horses have

to have Zippo, Chococlate Chip, Blazing, or Dynamic in their name or they aren't
worth buying. Most pleasure horses walk at the jog (what happened to a 2-beat
diagonal gait?) and look like they're impaled on a carousel pole at the lope, yet they
are a "pleasure" to ride. If the class got any slower the horses & riders would be asleep.
Most of the men look like they're sitting in recliners any way, reared back & propped up.
Huge spurs with wicked rowels are mandatory for obtaining forward motion and that
"infamous" spur stop. Kind of a contradiction huh?!?

The dressage queen is freshly coiffed and dressed. Diamond stud
earrings are elegant and stately, and not so large that they blind the
judge during her passage-piaffe movements. $30 dollar denim jumper is
worn over $300 full-seat white breeches and custom Koenigs. Her horse,
Fleistergeidelsprundheim ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is a 17.3-hand
warmblood who was bred to make Grand Prix in a European nation where
his sellers are still laughing hysterically when they talk about 'zat
crazy American.' Despite being runty, his new owner fell in love with


his lofty gaits, proud carriage and tremendous athleticism. Never mind
that this talent was not revealed until he was chased by a rabid fox,
and has not been repeated since.

The hunter/jumper competitor is in a wide-striped polo shirt and beige
breeches. The polo is so folks will know they're a jumper rider until
they put on their shirt and stock tie. Baseball cap is mandatory after
a ride, in order to exhibit free advertising for that trainer's stable
for which they've forked over a mere grand or so per month. Her horse,
Neverbeenraced, is a prime example of American Thoroughbred. The coat
is deep bay, no markings, a textbook TB head (no jowl), and no unusual
conformational characteristics other than crooked legs. Perfect, just
perfect. The gelding has learned to count strides all by himself, and
asks in midair which lead his mistress would like to land on today.

The Eventer is always hunched over. Bent forward under the load, it's
from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and all related
color-coordinated gear to every three-day event on the East Coast, or
it could possibly be a defensive stance for protecting his/her wallet,
which is, of course, nearly empty after buying three saddles, three
bridles, three bits and all that color-coordinated gear. Looked down
on by the H/J set as "people who just run their horses at fences" and
by the dressage queens as "not pure dressage riders," eventers are
smugly convinced that they are in fact the only people in the world who
CAN ride, since the H/J's don't jump real fences and the dressage
queens don't ride real horses. One popular horse, Fastnhighasican, is
a Thoroughbred track reject who had never won (or placed) in a single
race. Perfect eventer! He has two speeds: gallop and stop'n'dump,
which are used at his discretion for all three phases of eventing. His
favorite stunt is performed at cross-country water obstacles where his
rider invariably stands up slimed in waist-deep, murky pond water and
threatens to sell him to Fleistergeidel's owner. Called "Hi-ass" for
short, Fastnhighasican delights in another hilarious speed variation,
the imfreeandyoucantcatchmegallop, a real crowd-pleaser. It brings
down the house when he stops and licks the Crisco off his legs before
continuing on to the merciless telephone-pole jump just ahead.



--
Bette Lamore
Whispering Oaks Arabians
Home of 16.2h TLA Halynov
who lives on through his legacy
Hal's Riverdance!
http://www.arabiansporthorse.com

Always remember: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." (George Carlin)




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