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Re: [RC] buddy problem(long) - CharlesI'm going to go into Dear Abby mode and will give advice on how to deal with people. I've got a lot more people experience than horse experience. Some of this advice I've developed from years of skiing with family and kids. That and dealing with my older teenage son (now 20, almost 21). My guess is that the ill will is building up. I've seen several answers saying to tell her about it etc. I will disagree. Telling her probably won't help. It won't slow her down. It won't make her ready for rides. It won't make her treat her poor horse better. Instead, I recommend DO SOMETHING> Problem: She is totally unprepared. Solution: Next time, you don't have a "thingamabob" that you can spare. You must have left the other one back at the barn. She may not be prepared because she hasn't had to be prepared or ready with "extra" gear. Problem: She tries to ride 5 to 6 times a week. Solution: You ride as often as you like. If she rides more, don't join her. Just say "not today, thanks". Problem: Her idea of an hour ride is 3 1/2 hours long Solution: Tell her "I'm done for today." Turn around and go back to the barn and do what you want to do. Problem: Your horse can't keep up. Solution: Don't keep up. If she gallops off, don't feel the need to chase her down, or even catch up to her. If your horse can't keep up the pace, then DON'T. All the advice I've read is "ride your own ride". Also, it's good training for your horse to see buddies and other horses go off into the distance. If he's anything like my horse Jon, he won't mind doing less work. Problem: She busts your chops to catch up. Solution: Don't catch up. Go at your own pace. If she busts your chops, either ignore it, or say "I didn't feel like going faster". What is the worst she can do? You don't have to worry about anything. Your reward comes from knowing your horse. Nobody jokes about my speed when I ski, it's because I don't care about how fast we go down the hill. The others ski off and we all meet at the end of the day and have fun. Do the same. Problem: She thinks trotting a horse means breaking into a canter. Solution: Don't break into a canter if you don't want to. Let her race off. So you don't keep up, big deal. Problem: She trots off when I catch up. Solution: don't catch up. Ride your ride and let her be. Problem: She wants someone to talk to while riding. Solution: She can hang back with you. If she wants to race, she faces the consequence that you won't be there to chat. By now, I've probably beaten you over the head with the same theme. Basically, go and do what YOU want to do. She has been manipulative and making you play her game. She's been setting the pace. She's been designing the ride. Stop playing the game and it will end. People either stop being manipulated, or go on to find new targets. If she wants to ride together, she can do some of the work of "being together". (If it's like my kids, it may get worse - read more chiding about how you are becoming a slowpoke. Don't worry about it. Stick to your guns and your decisions and things will work out better). I recommend changing your actions more than talking with her. She may or may not know what she is doing. She has been setting the pace and gameplan. We naturally tend to fall into the habit of repeating how we've done things in the past, and so you may find yourself in the same situation again. I have found talk doesn't work in this situation. Action works. By changing our actions and responses to stimuli, we either feel better because we are doing what we want, or the other person stops producing the stimulus because it isn't getting the desired response. The other advantage of changing actions, is that you avoid things turning "ugly". There are no accusations, no recrimination, and best of all, no hurt feelings. Who knows, you may find her more tolerable when the feelings of resentment pass. Sorry my response is so long. Still, I think by changing your actions, and doing the ride YOU want to ride, things will get better. Charles ----- Original Message ----- From: <RENESPONY@xxxxxx> To: <ridecamp@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> Sent: Saturday, July 26, 2003 11:05 PM Subject: [RC] buddy problem(long) i know some of you would give your right arm for a riding buddy but i got a problem. my ridding buddy is a pain in the butt. we simply do not get along. however i feel like the ungrateful witch for saying anything. heres the story.she has the truck, i have the trailer and all the camping equipment,and extra horse stuff.and good thing i do cause she is totally unprepared for everything. we board at the same place and both work there part time. she probably wouldn't go to rides if she couldn't get someone to go with her, and it would be silly to take two rigs from the same barn to go to the same ride, cant we just get along???? i have been with horses for over 20 years and she has been doing it for 2, so i guess you could call her a newbie. both our experiences are LD. she's got a 6 yro NSH i got a 8 yro qtr/arab. unfortunately she wont listen to anyone including the trainers and the vet. she goes crazy with the conditioning, tries to always ride 5-6 times a week, wants to go with me all the time when i ride, wants to ride all day and go fast. she will say "lets go out and do an easy hour ride" we get home 3 1/2 hours later after i chase her over hill and dale.now her boy can cover ground, has a huge stride and i cant keep up on the little Arab cross. so i either try to keep up or leave her in the woods.her favorite thing is the 10 minute trot, and she loves the gravel roads cause she has to walk in those darn woods! she will constantly bust my chops to catch up and push him harder.she says we are trotting then her horse will break into a canter and she will take off because she enjoys going fast. she hates to walk because its boring, and will walk till i come trotting up then take off again.she does the same thing at rides and i have pulled back and sent her on ahead much to her dismay. she wants someone to talk to and that's the big thing about why she wants me right beside her the whole day. I've tried reasoning with her, faining a pain in my side to get her to slow down,etc. her poor horse is only 6 and the vet is telling her he is getting worn in the stifles already. the horse is frequently stiff the next day and is now blowing abcesses in his feet. you think my horse would come into great shape from chasing our "rabbit" but the pace is blowing his mind, and he gets uncontrollable at strange places (like rides!) we are fine alone, and fine if in a familiar place. hey, i love to go fast too, but this is too much. i have copied articles off the Internet to inform her, lent her books, but it seems to fuel the fire to "do better" at every ride. a little bit of knowledge is dangerous. i am looking to part company with her, so i can enjoy myself and ride my own pace. her darn horse always scores better than mine even though i top 10 every ride. the horse could be a star, he's a dream to watch, covering ground, drinking, eating gets great scores (98 +99's) if she don't run him into the ground. two different people with two different horses. So now am I an ungrateful witch? She can be so nice, and we use her truck for everything, which should be cool. A person who wants to go everywhere and do everything! Wouldn't that be a dream? now i see in her tack room 6 tubs of supplements and vitamins, which she is giving him twice a day, and she is telling me she doubles the dose on hard days of work. aaaargh!! and the funny thing is she will sit and lecture you on all the fine things she learned in her books, and what the vet told her to do. i really, really hold my tongue and try not to argue with her as she tells me how its gonna be and why am i doing this and that? no matter how nice i put it, she will be upset if i tell her I'm doing my own thing and don't want to do things with her any more. but I've had enough and am not enjoying myself any more. what am i to do? 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