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Re: [RC] Are you nasty? - Bruce Weary DCHuman nature being what it is, most of us have a need to be right, at least about some things. Some have the need to be right about all things. I did a little digging on this subject, because we see daily here on RC the effects of this need to be right, in how we communicate with one another and exchange our opinions. If you don't tolerate a little painful self-analysis, I suggest you delete now. For those of us who have the stomach for it in the interest of more harmonious and effective communication, both on RC and in your personal lives, read on. I will paraphrase some information written by a psychologist practicing in Tucson, AZ. Comments in parentheses are mine."One of life's biggest set-ups for being lonely (or detached or resentful or feeling misunderstood or threatened) is living with the erroneous belief that your way (or opinion) is the best way of doing things and insisting others agree with you. Some people seem to have taken a life course called, "How To Be Absolutely Sure of Everything!" It's like their reality is stuck on "It's so, because I think it is so." People who feel constantly threatened and angry when others question their actions (or opinions or experience) are actually substituting being right for living a happy life. Living daily always on the defense, being in charge of the rights and wrongs of the Universe, is no fun! Wanting and insisting on getting your own way ( or imposing your opinion over all others) is a set-up for unhappiness. Rigidity in thinking leads to power struggles or submission from others and distancing. (Sound familiar?) As Andre Maurois said, "Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires (or opinion) seems true. Everything that is not puts us in a rage." (Certainly not true of everyone, but for some it is.) People who are prone to anger have a set pattern of beliefs, attitudes expectations and behaviors that insist on getting their own way. They have a strong case of the "shoulds" and "musts" for others. They believe that there is a certain way that others should act (or think or believe) and become angry when their expectations are not met. They need to be seen as good, innocent, and superior in their knowledge and how things should be done (or understood). They may use charm or anger and intimidation to get their way. It's part of human nature to want to have our way. We all have a touch of the need to be right and control others. We all have areas of self-righteousness where we believe that we know better than others. It's sad, but true, the more you have of the following characteristics of rigidity of thought, the more anger and disapproval you will get from others: An insatiable need to be right which masks a deep fear of being wrong. A high need to expect others to see it your way. An inability to say "I don't know" and "I was wrong." Feeling threatened when new ideas come from other people. Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs. Belief that others who disagree with you are wrong and should "just get over it." Use charm, anger, withdrawal or blaming to settle arguments. I will withdraw now and lick my wounds, because I see a lot of myself in these words. I told you it might be painful. Our most powerful lessons in life usually are. Bruce Weary =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Ridecamp is a service of Endurance Net, http://www.endurance.net. Information, Policy, Disclaimer: http://www.endurance.net/Ridecamp Subscribe/Unsubscribe http://www.endurance.net/ridecamp/logon.asp Ride Long and Ride Safe!! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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