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[RC] Storm Humor from Florida (Might be long) - Ridecamp GuestPlease Reply to: Chris Littlefield clittlefield@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx or
ridecamp@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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As we are preparing for Ivan and the fact that I live in N. Florida where we
have been spared the damage that our friends and family have suffered in other
parts of the state (my father lost everything in Ft Pierce and my sister in
Ocala is still without power) this has brought a smile to our faces while we
wait and hope for the best.
Thought that in light of everything, we could find a little humor in this:
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a
refresher course:
We have entered the peak of the hurricane season. Right now, you can to turn on
the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the
Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to
the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this
simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1:
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2:
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3:
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics
show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will
foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might
actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to
sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU
money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in
the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company,
which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value
of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them
all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will
definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell
your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane
winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in
Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard
for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc...
You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you
don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise,
the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's
license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of
having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major
storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several
miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a
bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now!
Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then
go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets
the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power
goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach
is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who
went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a
generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is
vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your
television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the
ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to
stay away from the ocean.
Isn't it great living in Paradise?
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