We were talking about those pain in the ass Florida Agricultural
stations that are located everywhere along Florida's borders with Georgia
and Alabama. Susan starts telling me about her first husband who used to
smuggle in wild hogs that he would catch down in Florida and bring
up to Tennessee and sell. He had a very unique way of getting them
thru the border. One day, as he was going thru the Agricultural station,
loaded with hogs who were hidden inside boxes marked "Rental Portable toilets,"
one of the AG guys told him to pull over for an inspection. Susan's
husband said, "All I got is toilets in there, some of them have been
used." The Ag guy said again, firmly, "Pull over for an inspection."
Susan's husband complied, since he had little choice.
The AG guy opened the back of the truck, glanced in, breathed in some of
the septic waste that Susan's husband had placed inside in strategic
locations (most of it was by the door the AG guy opened) to deter any real
close inspection. The enforcement officer was just about to shut the door,
thinking all is well, when one of the wild hogs burst out of his box,
covered in some of the septic waste that was inside his box, hauled hog-ass
towards the daylight and knocked the AG guy flat on his behind.
The fat pig (not the AG guy), covered in excrement, ran for his life,
which was soon to end, because the poor, smelly fellow was headed off
towards the busy Interstate. Now, because of the screaming AG guy,
now, also, covered in excrement, in pain, from being knocked down by a 500
pound wild boar, the Inspector's wild primordial screams cause a ruckus
inside several of the other boxes. Other hogs get out (yes, most of them
are covered in excrement), a truck full of wild pigs running around
acting totally crazy, you cannot imagine the surreal feeling Susan's
husband, soon to be ex, was going through watching all this and wondering if,
silently, walking off into the woods, right now, might not be such a bad
idea. Some of us humans go through our entire lives not seeing anything
close to this kind of disorderly confusion and death threatening scenario.
By the time everything peaked at total chaos, over 50 wild pigs had gotten loose
and they were running all over the place, covered in you-know-what, inside
and out of the truck, mostly out.
This commotion stopped all traffic within an ever expanding perimeter
from the center of the northbound AG station, the place where they have the
large rigs pull off for a closer look-see. The other Inspectors stopped
what they were doing, and all of them could be seen running around the property
adjacent both sides of the Interstate, haphazardly, trying to catch one of the
loose, wild hogs before it ended up dead on the highway.
Some of the hogs got onto I-75 causing several accidents and, eventually, both
sides, north and southbound, were completely blocked, with dead hogs, blood
(some hog, some human), banged up cars and trucks, with
Police, Paramedics and Firefighters rushing to the scene. A few vets
were also called to try and save some of the wounded hogs who eventually
had to be put down. Guess what the Inspector's had for dinner that
night? Susan's soon-to-be-ex-husband had shut down this part of Florida's
Interstate, along this particular AG station, completely. This is
just the sort of thing you would expect to happen when a true redneck from
Tennessee visits Florida.
I absolutely fell in love with that story. I'm not quite
sure if Susan ever did bail out her ex-to-be from jail after all
this. Next time you see her, ask. I never did get to meet her ex,
but, somehow, I think I would have enjoyed listening to him tell this story.
haha.
It's amazing what pops up in your mind when you are riding on a horse,
in a gallop, along side riders and horses who are just about as crazy as
you. In fact, there was this one young woman riding a "recently off the
track" Arabian who was such a lunatic (the horse, not the girl) that he was
making America look under complete control and reasonably behaved.
For a few minutes America and I were in the lead, but, from behind, I heard
this girl screaming, "Passing on your right, passing on your right." I was
in disbelief because at the speed America was traveling I did not think God
could pass us, let alone a mortal horse and
rider.
