5 Reasons Why I Can't Go To Reno

[Howard4567@aol.com]

Unfortunately I'm not allowed to leave the South, by order of the Supreme 
Commander (my wife).  She doesn't trust me to be around non Southern women.  
Her reasoning on this is that Southern women realize to be seen with a 
married guy might mean death by gunshot and, because of this, Southern women 
usually know better.  Non Southern women, being more refined and all, don't 
think like this and, not being totally familiar with the wrath of a Southern 
gal, might actually risk something cause they've never been fired upon.  I'm 
sure some of you are asking yourself, "What about the man?"  Well, the man is 
just a stupid, ignorant creature who has no control of certain things and you 
can't expect much from him.

I did join AERC, for the first time this year, so now I'm getting all this 
cool stuff in the mail explaining what the Board of Directors do.  I did 
receive an invitation asking me to attend the meetings, listen to the 
speaches,  buy stuff from the vendors; all in an effort to keep things 
running smoothly on the endurance trails.  New members and wannabe endrance 
riders, like myself, appreciate these efforts immensely.  Anyway, even though 
I really want to go (I'll be there in spirit), I listed five reasons why I 
can't attend the AERC Convention & Trade Show which is scheduled for March 
this year in Reno, NV.  


1)  Last time I got a hotel room, without my wife (first wife, now the 
ex-wife), I was on a men's softball team and somehow we had run into a 
college cheerleading squad, who just didn't seem to have enough money for 
beer.  All I remember is waking up the next day, getting the local newspaper 
and seeing a photo of  the guys and the cheerleaders running around scantily 
clad with whiskey bottles in their hand and drunken smiles on their faces.  
Above the picture was the heading, "Why our Local Hotels need Better 
Security."  Someone showed it to wife #1 and that was beginning of the end of 
that story.

2)  I'm terrified of flying and it's too far to drive.  I know this sounds 
kinda funny coming from a retired Air Force person, but after 20 years of 
service I have developed a keen sense of survival.  During my tenure as an 
Air Traffic Controller I witnessed too many people making too many mistakes 
concerning airplanes and I just refuse to give any whacko pilot a chance to 
take me down with him cause life's treating him so poorly.

3)  I got a thing for gambling, especially Black Jack.  I know as soon as I 
see those tables I'd miss all the speakers, the vendors, the committee 
reports, the voting, all those things I came to experience.  So, I'd just 
better stay home and maybe hit the tables in Biloxi when I can.

4)  I won't mention his name, but one of the participants said y'all were a 
bunch of snobs at the convention last year and he doubts if he'll ever 
return.  Since this was a reliable Southerner his experience kinda shook me 
up and had me cancel my AMTRAK ticket to Reno.  

5)  A lot off you non Southern riders don't know my face and I think it might 
be safer for me to keep it that way.  I'm not that afraid of the women 
(except for elbow throwing Angie) but I know some of the men might want to 
chat with me about my writings and way of thinking.  John and Frank have both 
warned me that if I come up North I'd better be packing "heavy".

In closing, is there any way we can have it down South next year, or maybe in 
the near future?  I mean I just joined this year and I know it's been held in 
Reno for the last two years or so, but don't we move it around at all?  If we 
have to gamble, Biloxi's not too bad.  I might even travel to Atlantic City, 
if diesel prices don't get much higher.  I promise to bring the wife, I'm 
getting too old for cheerleaders anyway.  

cya,
Howard