RC: Not much Confidence

["guest@endurance.net" <guest@endurance.net>]

Denise Jenkins seeherfly@earthlink.net
I just got home from spending some time with my horse that was
owned by someone else the last year and before that, was just out
to pasture because of an illness I had(had to have a pacemaker put
in).  I never have had a lot of confidence to begin with and seem
to have even less as I grow older.  I want so desperately to
achieve something meaningful in my life.  Yes I have achieved a
couple of things, just surviving being the biggest achievment
which I know many of you will relate.  I am sitting here almost
in tears because I was afraid of my horse tonight in the arena
and caused him to either be afraid or just take advantage of the
fact he knew I was.  Whatever.  I guess I am looking for people 
to tell me their stories one more time.  Cayenne is not a bad,
obnoxious horse.  He just hasn't had to work and he hasn't had the
human companionship.  Maybe I am not the right owner for him but
I don't want to give up.  If I could have one single wish, it 
would be to be surrounded by endurance people to teach me how and
in learning how I know the confidence would come.  I rode a lot
with my soon to be X and did very well on one of his horses but
Topgun had had a lot of experience and was fairly easy for me to
handle.  I am starting all over and so is Cayenne.  I dream about
how things will be when Cayenne and I start traveling the miles
together. Then I get discouraged when things happen like they
did tonight.  All part of the deal. I see people on Endurance net
and in magazines.  They are living my dream and I know they had
to start somewhere around where I am.  So I can't skip the hard
stuff to get to the good stuff??  Of course not.  Nothing good
comes easy right??

Well, I am done whining and also I hope I get to come to the PNER
Conference and meet some folks.  I am mailing my membership form
tomorrow but don't know if I am going to be able to still register
for the Redmond thing.  We'll see:)  Thank you for listening,
Denise


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