Get ready to Party! Martha Stewart for Rednecks

[connie B Berto <cberto@juno.com>]

OK, group, it's countdown time to the Reno convention and time to start
training for fun...so in order to get your laugh muscles working, try
these:

 Martha Stewart for Rednecks

>  PERSONAL HYGIENE
>
>1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
>should  be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
>
>2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
>However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
>
>3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
>  to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
>
>
>DINING OUT
>
>1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
>  slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
>
>2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
>fingers covering the label.
>
>
>ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
>
>1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a 
taxidermist.
>
>2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.
>
>
>DATING (Outside the Family)
>
>1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
>
>2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
>go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
>
>3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
>say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it
>is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
>THEATER ETIQUETTE
>
>1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
>after the movie has ended.
>
>2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
>they can't hear you.
>
>WEDDINGS
>
>1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
>
>2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
>
>3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
>and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
>
>4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this Special
>occasion.
>
>  DRIVING ETIQUETTE
>
>1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
>loaded, and the deer is in sight.
>
>2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
>always has the right of way.
>
>3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
>
>4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
>to ask her to bring back beer.
>
>5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when 
driving.
>
>6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
>
>
>TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
>
>1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
>
>2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
>
>3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
>
>4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
>
>5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
>still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
>
>THE END
   
And Susan, I hope you are practicing up on "Lord Won't You Send Me......"
 as part of your speech, I can hardly wait!     Cheers (;-),  Connie B


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