History according to kids

["superpat" <superpat@gateway.net>]

Don't know why the text did not copy with my last post but here you go.

 

> Following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test:
> 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
> hydraulics.
> They lived in the Sarah Dessert.  The climate of the Sarah is such that
> the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
> 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
> unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses
>went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.  He died before he
ever reached Canada.
> 3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
> 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
> wouldn't have history.  The Greeks also had myths.  A myth is a female
moth.
> 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
> people advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of
>wedlock.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.  This
may >be true!
> 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
> threw the java.
> 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
> The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
> made king.  Dying, he gasp out "Tee Hee, Brutus."
> 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw
> 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a
> success.  When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
>"hurrah."
> 10.    It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg
> invented removable type and the Bible.  Another important invention was
the circulation of blood.
>Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because  he invented cigarettes
>and started smoking.  Sir Fransis Drake Circumcised the  world with a
>100-foot clipper.
> 11.    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
> He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.  He never made
> much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He wrote >tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.  >Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couple.  Romeo's last wish >was to be laid by
Juliet.
> 12.    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
> He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton
wrote Paradise Lost.  Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
>This also has a logical ring of truth.
> 13.    Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
>Congress.
> Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two signers of
>the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin discovered electricity by
>rubbing two cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself
>cannot stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
> 14.    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
> mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands.  Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.  On the night of April 14 1865, Lincoln went to
the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.
> 15.    Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
> large number of children.  In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept in the attic.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Bach was
the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.  Handel was half
German half Italian and half English.  He was very large.
> 16.    Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf
> he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
> 17.    The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
> inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
> by machine.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
> spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper,  which did the
work of a hundred men.  Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.  Madman
Curie discovered radio.  And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.