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>
> Subject: The Joys of Living up North!
> (Diary of a Snow Shoveler)
>
> December 8: 6:00 p.m.
>
> It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
> took time out, relaxed, and sat for hours by the window watching the
> huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
>
> print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
>
> December 9:
>
> We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
>
> of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
> place in the Whole World? Moving way up North was the best idea I've
> ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
> again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
> snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
> driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
>
> December 12:
>
> The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
> neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
> Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so
>
> much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
> I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's
> our neighbor.
>
> December 14:
>
> Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night! The temperature dropped to
> minus 20! The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
> breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
> This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
> everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
> shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
> wouldn't huff and puff so much.
>
> December 15:
>
> Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
> snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
> freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
> I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
>
> December 16:
>
> Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the ice in the driveway
> putting down salt. Hurt like I'd been hit by a truck! The wife laughed
> for an hour, which I think was very cruel. She's beginning to get on my
>
> nerves.
>
> December 17:
>
> Still way below freezing. Roads are much too icy to go anywhere.
> Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
> warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
>
> December 18:
>
> Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I'm not about to admit it to
> her. Man, I hate it when she's right. It's hard to believe I'm
> freezing to death in my own living room. And I have to share this
> frigid house with her!
>
> December 20:
>
> Finally, the electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of this
> crummy white stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. That
> big city snowplow came by twice. Tried to hire one of the neighbor's
> kids to shovel, but they said they're all too busy playing hockey. I
> watched, and they aren't playing hockey all that much. I think they're
> lying.
>
> December 21:
>
> Called the only hardware store around here that's open to see about
> buying a snow blower. Can you believe it? They said they're out!
> Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I
>
> have to keep the sidewalks shoveled or the city will have it done and
> bill me. I think he's lying.
>
> December 22:
>
> Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
> white slop fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
> August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
> and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, used
> the bathroom, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
> hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
> says he's too busy. I think he's lying. Some lousy neighbor if you
> ask me!
>
> December 23:
>
> Only two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to zero. The wife
> wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
>
> nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
> did but I dont remember it. I think she's lying.
>
> December 24:
>
> Six inches of new snow. The snow is wet and packed so hard by that
> snowplow that I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart
> attack. If I can ever catch that maniac who drives that snowplow, I'll
> drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he hides around the
> corner and waits for me to finish shoveling the driveway, and then he
> comes down the street at a hundred miles an hour and throws snow all
> over the driveway, plugging it up and filling it in after Im just
> finished clearing it out. Im beginning to hate that snowplow maniac.
> He's nuts! And to top that off, tonight the wife wanted me to sing
> Christmas carols with her and open our presents. But I just didnt have
> time. I was hiding behind the snow pile at the end of driveway with a
> baseball bat, waiting for that snowplow maniac to make an appearance.
> Where is he when you want him to show up?
>
> December 25:
>
> Merry Christmas?!? Twenty more inches of the white slop tonight.
> Were actually snowed in! We cant get out at all! The idea of
> shoveling makes my blood boil. I truly hate snow! In the middle of all
>
> this the snowplow maniac actually had the nerve to come to the door to
> ask for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
> says I have a bad attitude. I think she's nuts. If I have to
> watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time at the urging of my wife, I
>
> think I might kill her!
>
> December 26:
>
> Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? Now that I think about it,
> it was all HER idea! She's really getting on my nerves.
>
> December 27:
>
> Temperature dropped to minus 30 and the pipes all froze!
>
> December 28:
>
> Warmed up to minus 20 degrees. Still snowed in. THAT WOMAN is
> driving me crazy!!!
>
> December 29:
>
> Ten more inches of white slop. Will it never stop! Bob says I have to
>
> shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
> heard. How dumb does he think I am?
>
> December 30:
>
> Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars
> for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. She left
> by riding with that snowplow maniac! Nine more inches predicted.
>
> December 31:
>
> I finally figured it out! Ive set fire to what's left of the house.
> No more shoveling.
>
> January 8:
>
> I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
> me. Why am I tied to this bed?
> --
> World Peace begins with me!
>
> Do not follow where "The Path" may lead, Go instead
> where there is no path, and leave a Trail. Author Unknown
>
> In my next life, I am going to have more memory installed!