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Bipolar HRM's are no longer acceptable a full EKG unit must be installed
on your horse before you are permitted on a ride. They only cost a
million and a half and the head up display fits neatly into your
mandatory helmet along with the mandatory electronic shock probes which
stun you senseless if you over-ride your horse. It is garaunteed not to
interfer with the, position/rolling map display, radar speed indicator,
gut sound spectrum analyzer, sweat gland calibrator nor the body
temperature display. The Governing Body feels that the few spurious
equipment malfuctions that caused the recent spate of electrocutions do
not outweigh the overall benefit to society effected by such devices.
The deluxe version comes with a universal wireless data exchanger that
permits you do a direct download at the vet checks, this could save you
valuable milliseconds.
Other important regulatory changes for the following year are....
All saddles must be fitted with active airbag and bungee cords in
addition to the currently required rider ejector and zero-zero
parachute. All horse rider combinations must score a 70 or better in a
USDF level 3 dressage test of their choice at the prevet check to
qualify for entry into any sanctioned event. All riders are subject to
spot examinations on US English, grammar and spelling.
Why is your entry fee twice as high as it was last year? The IRS has
ruled that all entrants must post a bond for half the prize money prior
to the start of the event. For your convenience the witholding is
included in the entry fee along with the mitigation allowance fee. The
witholding will be returned if there is anything left after the usual
end of event litigation battles and IRS audit.
On a brighter note the world prices of the semi conductor used in the
peltier junctions installed in the mandatory saddle pads have reduced.
The standard cooling/heating saddle pad is expected to drop below the
price of a Boeing-MS-Porche 992 by the end of the year. A special hay
(NoTest Hay) has been genetically engineered that contains absolutely
nothing and therefore is garaunteed not to Test. Scientists believe that
the NoTest Carrot is only a matter years away.
Whilst on the topic of drug testing, it has been decided that the
internal consumption of the chemical H20 by your horses will be
permitted but only if administered in the appropriate dosage as
precribed by a DVM, so remember to get a prescription from your vet (and
have it notarized) before to put your horse into a trailer.
On to the topic of crowd control. A new stealthier version of the
Howizter rendered useless at the last ROC by animal rights actavists was
purchased and you should see it the next time out. It is quieter than
the old one and shouldn't spook the horses as much, though there is
nothing the maufacturer can do about the loud splat noise when it hits
it's target. The targeting computer will use the transponder codes from
your GPS units for IFF, so don't forget to turn on the mode C on your
GPS-transponder units.
You will no longer be permitted to use base camp MASERs to power your
gear, sorry folks it's back to those heavy batteries, though some
competitors on desert rides report success with solar units.
The barcoding method used to identify competitors has been judged to be
a failure, grease crayons are being reissued as of today.
-- Nicco Murphy Aerostructures Inc. F/A-18 Group, San Diego, (619)545-3333
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