horse funnies

["Jessica Spoone" <lady_selene@hotmail.com>]

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse

1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk 
when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the 
rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help 
too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to 
eat.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU IGNORE THE INSTRUCTIONS ON
BOTTLES OF EASY-BOOT GLUE..........

#1. Make sure that you practice putting on the boot before you pour in the 
glue.
"Don't have to do that-even though this is brand new boot, I'm sure it will 
go on just like the old one.."

#2. Be sure to wear gloves.
"I'll just be really careful--No gloves, no prob!"

#3. Be sure to protect your clothing.
"I'll just be really careful..........."

#4. Pour 1/4 cup from each bottle into a cup.........
"I'll just kind of approximate like I do when I cook (because I'm such a 
fabulous cook!!!!!!!)"

AND THE FINAL OUTCOME:

Mixing the stuff up ... so far so good. Pour into boot (seems like an awful 
lot). Try to apply boot ... it's NOT going on!!!! Trying to pry on with 
screw driver ... pushing and pulling ... HORRIBLE STICKY FOAM IS OOZING OUT 
OF THE BOOT!!!! It's everywhere!!! I can't hold the foot up any longer ... 
have to set it down. My right hand is stuck to the easy boot! The 
screwdriver is stuck to my pants!! Gasping for breath - I try again ... Hay 
is stuck all over the boot ... and on my pants ... and now on my hand and 
horses leg! The boot is on but it is horribly twisted ... I have to take it 
off!!

The rest I can't even talk about except to say ... my pants are permanently 
rubberized - there is a screw driver forever stuck to the wheel well of the 
trailer - My horse still has hay stuck to her leg - my hands, three days 
after the "event", are the consistency of hay-infested elephant skin - and 
my brand new easy boot looks like a tiny bale of hay.

SOOOOO - the moral of the story would have to be ....... read the 
instructions!

The Horse Dictionary

Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely 
sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking: Counterirritant.
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect 
the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without 
compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.

TOP TEN EXERCISES TO BECOME A BETTER HORSEMAN

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot.  Don't pick it up right away.  
Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
9.  Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall."  
Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8.  Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 
check without even looking down.
7.  Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot.  Go ahead and tell 
the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6.  Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to 
a halt.  Smile as if you are having fun.
5.  Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, 
really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won 
the blue ribbon.  I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability 
won me second place."
4.  Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to 
the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3.  Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, 
kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2.  Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes 
and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning 
experience, this is ..."
1.  THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN:  Marry money




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