Fw: Defining Horse & Rider, tee hee

["Patrick Allen/Evelyn Hartman" <jfhr@inetworld.net>]

----- Original Message -----
From: "Debra Means" <debmeans@got.net>
To: <Recipient list suppressed>
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2000 9:18 AM
Subject: CTR: Defining Horse & Rider, tee hee


> THE RIDERS
> Natural Horsemanship devotee looks like a throwback from a Texas
> ranch,despite the fact that he grew up in the suburbs of NJ. Rope coiled
> loosely in hand (don't want to send any messages of tension, after all)
> in
> case he needs to herd any of those kids on rollerblades away from
> his/her
> F-350 dually in the WalMart parking lot. Cowboy hat is strategically
> placed,
> and just soiled enough to be cool. Wranglers are well worn, with that
> little
> wrinkle above the instep of the ropers, and lots of dust (well, you
> know,
> from the round pen) on the lower legs.
>
> Dressage Queen is freshly coifed. Not even she remembers her own hair
> color,
> but she has taken great pains to ensure that Rolf, the hairdresser,
> makes
> the perm and highlights look "natural." Diamond studs are elegant and
> stately, and not so large that they blind the judge during the entire
> passage-piaffe tour. $30 dollar denim jumper worn over $300 full seat
> white
> breeches and custom Koenigs.
>
> Hunter/Jumper competitor is in an aqua polo and those breeches whose
> color
> could be compared to, um, well, okay, let's say they're khaki. The polo
> is
> so that folks will think they're a jumper rider until they put on their
> shirt and stock tie. Baseball cap is mandatory after a ride, in order to
> provide free advertising to that trainer's stable for whom they shell
> over
> a mere grand or so per month, and to hide "helmet head."
>
> Eventer is slightly hunched over. This could be from carrying three
> saddles,
> three bridles, three bits, and all related color coordinated gear to
> every
> event, or it could possibly be a defensive posture where he/she is
> unconsciously protecting his/her wallet, which is, of course, nearly
> empty
> from buying three saddles, three bridles, three bits and all related
> color
> coordinated gear. Looked down on by the H/J's as "people who just run
> their
> horses at fences" and by the DQ's as "not real dressage riders"Ēc
>
> Eventers
> are smugly convinced that they are in fact the only people in the horse
> world who CAN ride, since the H/J's don't jump real fences and the DQ's
> don't ride real horses.
>
> Endurance addict is wearing lycra tights in some neon color. Has not
> read
> the rule that lycra is a privilege, not a right. The shinier, the
> better, so
> that they can find her body when her mount dumps her down (another)
> ravine.
> Wearing hiking sneakers of some sort and a smear of trail dirt on the
> cheek.
> Sporting one of the zillions of T-shirts she got for paying $75 to
> complete
> some other torturous ride. Socks may or may not match (each other).
>
> Backyard rider can be found wearing (in summer) shorts and bra, (in
> winter)
> flannel nightgown, muck boots, down jacket. Drives a ford tempo filled
> with
> dirty blankets and dog hair. Usually has deformed toes on the right foot
> from being stepped on in the Walmart sneakers that are worn for riding.
> Roots need touching
> up to hide the grey. 2-horse bumperpull behind barn filled with
> sawdust/hay.
> Can be found trying to teach her horse to come in the kitchen to eat so
> she
> doesn't have to walk all the way to the barn.
>
> THE HORSES
>
> Rusty is the quintessential NH mount. Rescued from a situation where he
> was
> never initiated in the NH ways, he'd learned to run down his owners at
> feeding time, knock children from his back under low hanging branches,
> and
> could even spit like a camel if provoked. The embezzlement has never
> been
> proven. The hospitalization tally for his handlers was twelve until he
> met
> Spherical Sam. After twelve minutes in the round pen, he is teaching
> algebra
> to high school freshmen, speaks three language fluently, and can put on
> his
> own splint boots (with Spherical Sam's trademark logo embossed clearly).
>
> Fleistergeidelsprundheim ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is an 18-hand
> warmblood who was bred to make Grand Prix in a European nation where his
> breeders are still laughing hysterically when they talk about 'zat crazy
> American.' Despite being runty, his owner fell in love with his lofty
> gaits,
> proud carriage and tremendous athleticism. Never mind that this talent
> was
> not revealed until he was chased down by a rabid raccoon, and has not
> been
> repeated since. Has been injured sixteen times in the last year,
> preventing
> his move to PSG at age 6, despite living in a 20' x 20' padded stall and
> providing family supporting wages to a groom whose chief job duty is
> "don't
> let him get hurt!"
>
> Neverbeenraced is a prime example of American Thoroughbred. The coat is
> deep
> bay, no markings, the textbook TB head, and no unusual conformational
> characteristics. Perfect, just perfect. Overcame a near fatal flaw in
> his
> H/J career when he learned that the plants in the jumps are NOT real,
> and
> therefore did not require him to stop and taste. Has learned to count
> strides all by himself, and asks in midair which lead his mistress would
> like today.
>
> Fastnhighasican is a Thoroughbred track reject who never won a single
> race -
> perfect eventer! He has two speeds, gallop and stopndump, and they are
> used,
> at his discretion, for all three phases of eventing, although he has
> some
> creative variations of gallop to spice up that boring dressage. There is
> the
> gallopdowncenterlineandrear, the gallopdepartandbuck, the
> extendedoutofhandgallop, and, a favorite among spectators, the
> gallopzigzagpirouette in which the gallop is performed entirely while
> hopping on his hind legs. His favorite phase is cross-country where all
> obstacles regardless of size are jumped at the height of 5.5 feet, and
> because that is where he gets to employ his personal favorite movement,
> the
> stopndump. This is the most fun when performed at cross-country water
> obstacles where his person invariably stands up soaking wet with murky,
> smelly water and threatens to sell him to Fleistergeidel's owner while
> he
> follows up with another fun gallop variation, the
> imfreeandyoucantcatchmegallop, another crowd-pleaser.
>
> Al Kamar Raka Shazaam was often called "you bastard" until he found an
> owner
> as hyper as he, an endurance addict. Can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a
> 360
> and not lose his big trot rhythm or give up an inch to the horse behind
> him.
> Has learned to eat, drink, pee and drop to his resting pulse rate on
> command. Has compiled 3,450 AERC miles, with his rider compiling 3,445
> --
> those five miles being the ones he was chased down the
> trail after performing his trademark 360 turn, without said
> aforementioned
> rider.
>
> Snook'ums is the barkyard rider's horse. Big head; stride of a gerbil.
> Duct
> tape holding shoe on until farrier gets out next month. Has a little
> qtr,
> arab, standardbred, tw, shetland blood. Mane cut with scissors straight
> across. He's been there so long she forgot how she got him or where he
> came
> from. Frequently seen ambling around the yard. Been known to join family
> picnics on the back porch.
>
> FREQUENTLY OVERHEARD
>
> NH Devotee -- "Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!" "It's simple
> horsemanship" "With this special twirly flickitat'em rope ($17.95 plus
> tax),
> you'll be roundpenning like me in no time." "You silly human, that just
> ain't natural for a horse."
>
> Dressage Queen -- "Oh no, he's hurt again?!" "The check is in the mail."
> To Herr Germanlastname: "Can't you tune up those one tempis for me?"
> To the groom: "Get me that mounting block -- can't you see my nails are
> still wet?"
> To the show manager: "That footing has ruined my chances at Olympic Gold
> in
> 2000, I'll have you know." and "What were you thinking, stabling me next
> to
> that nobody? That horse could be *diseased*?"
> To anyone who will listen: "When I had dinner with Hilda / Lendon /
> Robert .
> . . "
> H/J Competitor -- "Did you tell Neverbeenraced how many strides between
> Fence Four and Fence Five -- I can never remember!" "Is my butt sticking
> out
> enough when I post?" "Oh no, I can't jump 2'6", my trainer will KILL
> me!" "I
> can't wait to do jumpers with Neverbeenraced -- then we can wear one of
> those tasseled ear covers!"
>
> Eventer -- "I broke my collarbone/ribs/ankle again last week, but I'll
> be
> fine for the jog-up tomorrow." "How do you get pond water out of saddle
> leather?" "Did you see our showjumping where Fastnhighasican bounced the
> two
> stride combination?" "Did you see our final gallopdowncenterlineandrear?
> I
> think he is finally starting to relax in dressage." "Oh, it's just a
> little
> concussion. Have you seen my horse?"
>
> Endurance Addict -- "Anyone have Advil?" "Anyone have food? -- I think
> last
> year's Twinkies finally went bad." "For this pain, I spend money?" "Oh I
> never bring hay or water to the vet checks -- there's always plenty
> around."
> "Quick, quick, did you look, was his pee okay?" "Shazaam, you b@$tard --
> it's just a leaf [thud]!"
>
> Backyard rider -- "It's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride." "I used to show."
> "Where's my metamucil?" "Has anyone seen Snook'ems? last I saw him he
> was
> across the road in the cornfield." "Here's a picture of Snook'ems when
> he
> was 43 years young!" "Snook'ems stop slobbering on me."
>
>
>