Equimania, Endurance-Specific

[Roberta Jo Lieberman <woik@home.com>]

A friend with an advanced case sent this to me this morning. I began
assembling data for our own particular brand of madness....see
"Endurance Subset" below and please take a moment to share your
observations. Only through the diligent efforts of everyone afflicted
can we quantify this disorder and beat this terrible....WAIT!!!! Never
mind....gotta go ride.

DSM-EH.1 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Equine-Human Interaction
Version 1)

EQUIMANIA

Equimania: A serious mental disorder in which occupation with equine and
conjunctive/supportive feline and canines interferes with the ordinary
tasks of daily living and significantly interferes with normal human social
interaction. An addictive component present such that patient congregates
only with other equine-dependents and their aggregates.

NO LESS THAN FOUR OF THE FOLLOWING SHALL BE PRESENT TO MAKE THIS
DIAGNOSIS:

1. Noticeable deterioration of living quarters of human equine-dependent
in conjunction with superior maintenance of living quarters of equines and
their aggregates.

2. Grandiose component includes preoccupation with the extraordinariness
of the patient's equine(s) that flies in the face of reality.

3. Noticeable deterioration of the appearance of patient (personal
grooming) in conjunction with horse grooming preoccupation. Potentially
obsessive component. (Score 1-5 for level of obsessive component, with 5
being the most extreme.

4. Manic deploy of charge card privileges in tack and feed stores within
a 120 mile radius of home and far beyond ordinary means. Sprees often
followed by periods of depression and worry.

5. Preoccupation with detail of hay prices, cutting seasons, and the
prices of apples and carrots.

6. Neglect of personal health and dental care and scrupulous attention
to veterinary care and teeth floating of equine.

7. Maintenance of a growing number of equines and their aggregates
either by breeding or irresistible purchase or both.

NOTE: Talking baby talk to 1100 pound animals is not considered part of
the mental disease picture.

TREATMENT: Obtain an endless supply of small oblong pieces of green
paper. These are probably marked "In God We Trust" because only God can
really help the Equimaniac. Apply liberally and watch them disappear.

EQUIMANIA, ENDURANCE (EE)

Now being prepared, with the assistance of a number of researchers, is
an Endurance Subset of Equimania:

1. Preoccupation with a clinical condition known as "EDPP" in which the
patient monitors how well the equine eats, drinks, poops and pees,
particularly during an event known as an endurance ride. These
individuals are believed to be beyond help.

2. When patient is not directing time and attention to all of the above,
s/he is sitting in front of a computer screen on something known as
RIDECAMP, in which s/he shares commentary, notes and chatter with
hundreds of other afflicted individuals.

3. Advanced cases show the following symptoms: matching biothane tack
and accessories; preoccupation with monitoring equine heart rate
recoveries; an unusual level of interest in items such as beet pulp,
half-chaps, truck engines, Tom Ivers, sponges, electrolytes and more. 

Field researchers from Ridecamp continue to collect data, and a paper is
expected to be published shortly...