Russ Faure-Brack

1. Swiss Miss May 27
Written for Heidi Siegel who hosted us at her place in Fallon during our drive out to St. Joseph, Missouri. Not ride at a Ride Meeting, but sent to Heidi.
SWISS MISS

2. Ambiguity Training July 5
In honor of the Duck's keen sense of obfuscation.
AMBIGUITY TRAINING

3. Lemonade Ladies July 6
They were oh so sweet and oh so generous.
THE LEMONADE LADIES

4. Map Wars July 7
Many Ride Nights involved considerable tension and maneuvering to get one of a limited supply of ride maps for the next day.
MAP WARS

5. To Dave and Annie July 13
So unlikely a pair, so beautiful together
TO DAVE AND ANNIE

6. Ode to Wal-Mart July 14
We couldn't get by without our weekly Wal-Mart fix.
ODE TO WAL*MART

7. Thank you, Ashley July 14
Hard working and dedicated to the core.
THANK YOU, ASHLEY

8. Thank you, Miranda July 14
She was always there when you needed her.
THANK YOU, MIRANDA

9. Thank you, Joseph July 14
Jack-of-all-trades, master of many
THANK YOU, JOSEPH

10. Stuck at Dugway Pass July 14
Cool heads prevailed in this vehicular incident.
STUCK AT DUGWAY PASS

11. Happy Birthday, Trilby July 15
The reigning queen of Endurance deserves every tribute.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TRILBY

12. To Howard Kent, the Water Lord July 16
Agua Man comes through with a water truck and driver.
TO HOWARD KENT, THE WATER LORD

13. To Kaitlin July 17
I have a soft spot in my heart for cute young girls. Kaitlin is one of them. This was not read publicly but given to her as a Birthday present.
TO KAITLIN

14. To Barney and Linda July 18
What a team - they were there for us all the time.
TO BARNEY AND LINDA

15. Happy Birthday, Annie July 18
Everyone loves Annie - wife, mother, daughter, Ride Manager, sweetness and light.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANNIE

16. I Love Drunkards in the Springtime July 26
After a night of heavy partying by others, Dave asked me to write a poem and this rowdy ditty emerged. It was not presented publicly, but here it is in all its debauched glory.
I LOVE DRUNKARDS IN THE SPRINGTIME

17. Two Kinds of Rides July 28
Not really a poem, this free verse was intended to clarify that Dave's rides are different from others. You need to choose between the Duck and the rest of the world.
TWO KINDS OF RIDES

THE LEMONADE LADIES

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 6, 2001

Terry Wooley has been on many a ride
Where due to thirst she almost died
So for the XP she made a lemony brew
To offer the riders and their wilting crew

This magical potion was citrus in nature
Offering the thirsty a cold liquid pleasure
Karen, Miranda and other young lasses
Were sent to cheer us and fill up our glasses

Lemon drops, too, were dispensed in bliss
By Lisa and Sally who we wanted to kiss
For all these concoctions so sweet and tart
We appreciate the gesture with all of our heart

And then there's Cindy, also know as Ms. Brown
For organizing our trail water, she deserves a crown
Dave said forget it, it couldn't be done
Proving Dave wrong is so much fun

So on this ride, we know we can count
On a helping hand as we ready to mount
As the ride goes on, come Heaven or Hades
We will always remember the Lemonade Ladies

AMBIGUITY TRAINING

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride


July 5, 2001
The XP Ride is quite a trick
Ride 2000 miles both safe and quick
There's only one problem we must get around
The Duck's ambiguities, which readily abound

Our laptops and GPS's do help it's true
And maps and atlases in the hands of our crew
In spite of all this, the instructions can be vague
For a moment's clarity, we'd give an arm and a leg

So how do we get by on Dave's honored ride?
We keep our nerves calm and our time we do bide
We do what Dave does when he's flat on his fanny
At the top of our lungs we yell, "Where's Annie?"

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 18, 2001

You're a woman who gets prettier every year after year
You have a grin and a smile that stretch ear to ear
What keeps you going through thick and through thin?
It must be your family and all of your kin

Of course, there's your hubby, the Honorable Duck
To have found him was an act of incredible luck
For him, that is, who couldn't live without you
You're his right arm and left, we know this is true

Then there's Dwight and Colina, wondrous children each
They've been a precious handful, this apple and a peach
Lavonne's a Mom supreme, and from where your smile comes
And Aunt Millie's always there when you're all out of Tums

One of the busiest women in the entire world
Your days must end with your toes all curled
Managing rides and the vet clinic and all other matters
Must be like herding a bunch of rabid mad-hatters

To deal with all this takes nerves of strong steel
Whether in Alaska or Utah or behind the wheel
Through it all you manage to keep your cool
A dear family and God are your loving fuel

So, Annie my dear, the years have been kind
To a lovely lady whose star always shined
We bring you the best wishes that we all can make
And ice cream and a joyous Happy Birthday cake

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TRILBY

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 15, 2001

Every now and then
You meet a one of a kind
Someone to top Trilby
Would be quite hard to find

Fifty thousand miles is a record for sure
That's a lot of hard pounding for a butt to endure

Race after race she keeps showing and showing
Like the Eveready rabbit she keeps going and going

She's had some great horses like Rush Creek Lad
They're both Hall of Famers, these two are quite Rad

Les Carr took her on but couldn't compete
Trilby is a woman who can't be beat

One night near Schellborne we rode in the dark
We were deeply lost, this wasn't a lark

She looked at me saying, "This isn't rueful"
"Look at the sky, aren't the stars beautiful?"

She's Dave's favorite person to harass and to tease
For her purple colors, last places and bowlegged knees

So Trilby I'm sorry I tore the door off your truck
Was it somebody's fault or was it just bad luck?

Now's the time to wish you many miles anew
Happy Birthday, dear Trilby, Happy Birthday to you.

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 26, 2001

DISCLAIMER
Dave asked me to write a poem expressing his feelings about a certain event that had occurred the previous night. Based loosely on the tune "I Love Paris", it's called "I Love Drunkards in the Springtime."
This poem is a bit crude and is R-rated so please excuse yourself if you think you can't handle it.
THE POEM
I love drunkards in the springtime
I love drunkards in the fall
I love the drunks last night in Cold Springs
Who got plastered and puked upon my wall.

They got shitfaced in no time and passed out kerplunk
It happens each time with a lush
A few drinks too many and all hell breaks loose
And their brains transform into mush

Who are the culprits? Ask Ashley and Mike.
My racing heart, can they calm it?
These scoundrels have ruined my favorite couch
Which now smells like Pinesol and vomit

To make matters worse, at one in the morning
They bothered my dog that was sleeping
Now you can do many things to me and my kin
But if you mess with Mariah you'll be weeping

Honorable mention goes to Joseph the man
Who drank at Fort Bridger to our shock
He fell out a window right into his puke
And was rescued by Jeff Hirtin, the Doc

So yes, I love drunkards, those fucking booze guzzlers
Who put it away till they're drunk
My needs are quite simple and easy to see
Just leave me alone in my bunk

By Russ Faure-Brac
on the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 7, 2001

It's Ride Meeting time when we wait for our guide
To hand out info on our next day's ride
All nicely laid out with instructions and maps
Which we gently take and place in our laps

Unless, of course, the printer craps out
Causing the group to yell and shout
As the tension arises, Dave says "Back, back"
But someone calls out "Put him on the rack"

The crowd is frantic to grab a copy
No matter how blurred or fuzzy or choppy
If a fight ever breaks out on this wonderful ride
Those damned maps will have caused it, all kidding aside

ODE TO WAL*MART

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 14, 2001

I think that I shall never see
An XP store that is dearer to me
As I stroll the aisle with my overloaded cart
I dream of a merger between XP and Wal-Mart

STUCK AT DUGWAY PASS

(Apologies to whoever wrote "Stuck in Lodi Again")
By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 14, 2001

Just a day or two ago
We set out on the road
Seeking our way to camp at Boyd's
Pulling a heavy load
But things got bad, things got worse
You know the XP tune
Oh Lord, stuck at Dugway Pass at noon

A rig was pulling hard
Up the big long grade ahead
The engine overheated
It coughed and then went dead
The rigs lined up in one long queue
We kicked back and had a brew
Oh Lord, it's so tough being a crew

In the heat of the day we sat
Thinking of this and that
To whoever would solve this mess
We would gratefully tip our hat
Then Ron and Dennis came charging through
With the meanest winch bar none
Oh Lord, it looks like we dodged yet another one

SWISS MISS

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

May 27, 2001

We stayed with a Swiss miss named Heidi
Who lives in a log house quite tidy
She has Raz and an 8-month-old paint
Her horses all think she's a saint
And her cats and dogs all make whoopee

THANK YOU, ASHLEY

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 14, 2001

Roses are red
Manure is brown
Ashley is cute
Wearing jeans or a gown

She's a jack-of-all-trades
And can do anything
And we especially like
Her sexy tongue ring

But don't cross this lady
Or she will treat you rashly
Every ride needs
An angel like Ashley

THANK YOU, MIRANDA

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 14, 2001

There's a woman in camp who lends a helping handa
To whoever needs it, she's so granda
If you get stuck, she'll get you outa the sanda
We all love our darling Miranda

THANK YOU, JOSEPH

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 14, 2001

Joseph had a little wrench
To fix trucks and trailers too
And everywhere that Joseph went
He left things just like new

This young lad is quite a whiz
He'll fix anything you name
With welding torch or Super Glue
Repairing is his game

So thank you Joseph for all you do
When the doo doo hits the fan
As you ride your dirt bike o'er the hill
You are Utah's Renaissance Man

TO BARNEY AND LINDA

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 18, 2001

Every XP has a capable vet
One better than Barney I have to see yet
In two seconds flat as you trot out your horse
He'll say, "Yes, fine". He gets his power from the Force

And nobody dresses for a ride any better
With a tutu and funny hat, he's a real go-getter
But when it comes to horse doctoring, he cares a whole lot
He'll get your dear baby up to a sound trot

He's backed up by Linda who will take no shit
If you cross her she'll cuss you and throw a mean fit
But inside this lady know as the Cajun Enforcer
There's a heart of gold, she a compassion endorser

So thank you both for all of your help
When we heard you were leaving we let out a yelp
As we continue our journey through the lands of the West
We'll just have to get by without vetdom's best

TO DAVE AND ANNIE

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 13, 2001

You take a Duck and mix it with an Annie
What do you get? A pair so uncanny
He sees the big picture, she tends to the details
They get the job done, the team never fails

How can we thank them for doing this ride?
It's been so special, we say it with pride
We hug them and sing in voices that soar
And ask them for a repeat in 2004

TO HOWARD KENT, THE WATER LORD

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 16, 2001

There once was a man from Salt Lake
Who on an XP ride did make
A contribution so grand
It would lend us a hand
Here is all it would take

A six-wheel drive Chevy truck
Needing a soft touch, a prayer and some luck
It was driven by Mike
Who all the girls like
This venture even pleased the Duck

So with no hesitation or doubt
The rig made its watery route
Filling troughs in a blink
So the horses could drink
Thank you, Howard, for helping us out

TO KAITLIN

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 17, 2001

Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh darling Kaitlin so fair
You are lost and gone forever, were you taken by a bear?

Or a horsie, or some foxes, or a coyote to its lair?
Were they attracted by your blue eyes or your lovely golden hair?

You are special, oh so special, and we want you here with us
If you're out there catch an airplane or a donkey or a bus

Oh here you are, with a doggie, back with Eric and Cathy too
They're so proud of all your sweet charms, Kaitlin dear, we all love you

TWO KINDS OF RIDES

By Russ Faure-Brac
On the 2001 XP Endurance Ride

July 28, 2001

There are two kinds of rides,
neither better than the other.
The first has much structure. Rules are clear
and there are many, many rules.
The Ride Manager is responsible, mature, and fair
unprejudiced and consistently calm.
You always know where the start is and which
way to go.
You know you'll have water and where
it will be.
The portable hot tub will be in the center of
Camp with accurate digital temperature
read outs, swimsuits required.
The vet will check your horse like a pre-purchase exam
This is the way most rides are done
If you want amenities and lots of certainty,
Choose this type of ride
Then there's the other type known as the "Man the
Torpedoes, here we come" kind of ride put on
By the Freezing Wet Reverend Duck
As stated in the award winning and often quoted pamphlet
"Riders of the Lost Duck", what you get is a cave with one or more bears and
a chance to wrassle the suckers.
You get a Ride Manager who has a wry sense of humor, is excited by a challenge and can
Be vague. But he will forewarn you over the Internet to keep your expectations low and to learn how to use a GPS!
He is completely intolerant of snivelers.
Gruff on the outside, he's soft on the inside - it's all part of his maverick nature.
For Dave, life is an adventure waiting to be experienced. The details are
Less important than the overall gestalt.
You want water? He'll give you the best information he can but you'll need to figure out the details yourself.
You want comfort and convenience? That's not what he's about.
He's about having a good time and figuring it out as you go.
What certainty and amenities did the Pioneers have? Very little, and the Duck doesn't want to deprive you of recreating the same experience
Should he put glow sticks out to mark the start of a ride? Maybe, maybe not. It's not important to him.
When it comes down to it, it's a question of personal preference. If you want certainty, call the AERC office for their standard list of rides.
If you want adventure and an opportunity to wrassle a bear or two, gird yourself up and come ride with the Duck over the vermilion cliffs of Utah at sunrise.